πŸ‘‰ DrSmashlove πŸ‘Œ drsmashlove

Unlicensed Gynecologist 🌷 Memes + musings on life, love + smashing πŸ‘« Please DM for pic credit! πŸ“Έ Chicago πŸŒƒ Syria relief - click link ❀

The look on my face when I'm about to do my thing and a girl say "ok just to warn you like not to scare you or anything but no man has ever been able to make me cum" and then 13 minutes and 47 seconds later she shaking and levitating horizontally off the bed like the Exorcist πŸ€— #SayKhelloToMyLeetoFren #TheyCallHimTornadoTung #YungTornadoTungToBeExact #AkaTheHumanHitachi #NowShutUpAndBussItOpenMama #iGotWorkToDo πŸ‘…πŸ‘…πŸ‘…πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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26906 | 322 | 11 hours ago
Ladies lemme be crystal fucking clear. If I send u some sexy shit on snap. Or some witty, hilarious shit. U got two options for a reply: (1) "OMG ZADDY FUCK YOU'RE SO HOT I STOPPED TAKING THE PILL LET ME HAVE YOUR BABIES". Or (2) "HAHAHAHA OMG I'M PISSING I SENT THIS TO ALL 84 OF MY HOMEGIRLS WE'VE BEEN LAUGHING ABOUT THIS IN THE GROUP WHATSAPP CHAT FOR 10 MIN HAHA AGAJAJAJAJA DEAD." Ok? Sorry. It just gotta be like this πŸ˜‚. Hit me with "haha" or "ik right" and I'm gone. Search my name bih. No snap chat score number next to it. I'm a stranger. Unfriended AF. Adios. "Hold up - why, smash? Your ego is that delicate that you need it to be stroked at all times?" Let me think about this one πŸ€”: YES πŸ˜‚. I'm just a hurt lil boy who lacked love and attention as a boy, mama. Sorry. A brother got needs. Imma keep u nice and entertained but u gotta engage with me. U feel me? SPEAK MY LOVE LANGUAGES MAMA WORK WITH ME HERE, BLESS UP πŸ€—πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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27157 | 494 | 15 hours ago
See Bruh it's easy to make fun of people for "they're" / "their" and "you're" / "your". But low key? That's low level grammar criticism. If u really bout this grammar snobbery lyfe there is a far more offensive infraction and most people don't even know it's an infraction. Without further delay: the single biggest pet peeve of true grammar snobs is as follows: "please send that document to Mary and I." No. For the love of Allah, Jesus, Buddha, and every other celestial or prophetic entity who has ever existed...NO. STOP. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200. U feel me? Take a oath of silence and a deep breath and lemme splain u. Forget about Mary. Would u every say: "please send that document to I"? NO πŸ˜‚. So why would u ask the person to send the document to "Mary and I"? The worst thing about this mistake Bruh? People say it proudly, as if everyone is a grammar idiot except them πŸ˜‚. "Are you coming to lunch with Alex and I"? They almost say it with the sing-song self-assurance of someone with a PhD in literature from Yale. BIH. YOUR ATTEMPT TO SOUND SMART IS MAKING ME THINK U THE HIGHEST CALIBER OF IDIOT REAL SHIT (no offense tho πŸ˜‚.) With that said, if u this type of person, change. It's never too late for self improvement. U get me? It's "please send that document to Mary and me". And "Are you coming to lunch with Alex and me?" Aight? And don't criticize my grammar on my captions I'm from the hood this is called vernacular and if we wanna keep it 600 this shit is entertaining so I ain't changing my tone any time soon DEAL WITH IT. BLESS UP πŸ€—πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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30883 | 330 | 21 hours ago
How do you even caption something so special. Dogs are angelic creatures plain and simple 😍 (@yourfavoriteexgf)
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35770 | 281 | 1 day ago
See Bruh when a lady mad at u, she not just gon say "fuck you." To be honest, "fuck you" is letting u off with a misdemeanor. Being the smarter species, ladies developed new and creative ways to burn u with the "fuck you". Without further delay, I give u the best ones: (1) "you know what? Fuck YOU." This one burns. It leads in with a rhetorical question. The "fuck YOU" is the acid but the "you know what?" is a papercut right before the "fuck" hits u. You know what bruh? U done fucked up πŸ€—. (2) "You can fuck all the way off with that". This eliminates any doubt that the "fuck you" was halfway. No. This was an all-the-way one. She's handing u an imaginary dildo and she's saying "don't just poke the head in u little fuckface, u can fuck ALL THE WAY OFF - BALLS DEEP." Now u have a dildo in your butt after never even allowing a finger in there and u nauseous and feel like vomiting πŸ˜‘. (3) "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" This one is deadly. She not just saying "fuck you" Bruh. She tryina set off a existential crisis: "who the fuck am I? What's my name again? Why am I here? Why are bees dying at an alarming rate?" U feel me? Y'all were just arguing and now u considering booking a one way flight to India so u can wander, live abstemiously and seek higher meaning. (4) "Bless your heart." Only southern girls use this one Bruh. If she hit u with this - with a smirk - and a soft voice - and that deep fried Tennessee twang in her voice - it's already over. U been dismissed. Your Jordan's are already in a neat pile incinerating, u just don't know where because she moved them to a undisclosed location. Same witchoe YSL ripped jeans which was $890 on the Barneys website but u waited until Christmas and kept hitting 'refresh' on the web browser until the post-Christmas sale hit so u could cop them for 33% off and u was so proud like "wow I'm finally fly now I'm a rapper" well bless your little heart bro they burning too. Everything. She just bodied your entire existence and walked off like Kayser Sozay Bruh this is why u tread lightly with them Tennessee girls! Be safe out there! Unless u a asshole for real ... then YOU COULD FUCK RIGHT OFF ... BLESS UP πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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42517 | 839 | 1 day ago
Accurate depiction of what consultants actually do πŸ€— #StrategicallyStrategizeYourDirectionalStrategy #ThatWillBe1.5milly #PlusTravelExpenses πŸ˜«πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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41213 | 298 | 2 days ago
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33027 | 181 | 2 days ago
This post carries two important lessons: (1) Dalmatian pups are beautiful AF. (2) Green is low key the sexiest color a woman can wear πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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37925 | 336 | 3 days ago
See Bruh it's three type of people who talk about their exes lemme splain u. Type 1. She plead the fif: "What? Who? Oh. I'm a virgin πŸ€— lol jk I don't talk about exes." There's not much to say here. She smart. Very smart πŸ˜‚. Ok type 2: this one has a PhD in keeping it G. Sometimes it's because she legit has exes who are good dudes. Or, she been thru some real shit but she ain't putting nobody on blast. This one deserves a MF Oscar: "Yeah Roberto had his demons but I'm praying for him, he got a good heart, we keep things very friendly especially because we have the little man." <-- Respeck. Now then...type 3: This one ain't gon give u no context. No background. She jus gon go straight to the slander: "AND THEN HE WAS YELLING AT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF JOHNNY ROCKETS I MEAN...*whisper voice*...CRAY-ZEE...YEAH TODD WAS CRAZY LOL I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER SHOT YOU WANNA DO SHOTS?" Now look. Nobody should yell at they woman. And if y'all gotta yell, it's best to yell in the sanctity of your living room and not a booth at Johnny Rocket Bruh them poor folk in fake black bowties don't get paid to see that shit. But here's the issue: with this type, u never get the backstory. The story always go 0-60. I used to buy right into this: "LOL WOW TODD IS A NUTCASE YOU REALLY DODGED A BULLET STEPHANIE TOAST TO THAT 🍻." Um. Fuck nah πŸ˜‚. Now I hear the slander and immeejally my antenna go up. What's the backstory? Did she call him a bitch in the middle of Johnny Rocket? That wouldn't excuse him...but it provides context. Now look. Todd might have just been fucked up, or treated her in a fucked up way because he's a rude asshole. In which case honestly, fuck him. But still consider what is gained by constantly harping on it if the ex in the rear view. And this applies 100% to men too. If he spend the entire date talmbout his crazy exes guess what - u just found a man who drive women crazy πŸ€—. U tryina be the next one? Tread with caution. First, they don't know how to keep people's name out they mouth, which ain't G. Second, they might or might not drive people crazy, and refuse to ask why. No good could come of this. Ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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30662 | 110 | 3 days ago
BEEN TOLD YALL. THEM CURVY HIPS. BIG ASS THUNDER THIGHS. AMPLE BOTTOM. SHIT, EVEN THAT LIL BELLAY BELLAY. IT AIN'T FAT. U JUST DELIGHTFULLY FLOOFY. LET ME BURY MY FACE ALL IN IT MAMA WE AIN'T DAWGS BUT IMMA F*CK YA LIKE ONE 🐢 "All those other men were practice, they were practice / Yeah / for me, for me, for me, for me / Girl you look good won't you back that ass up / You a fine MF won't you back that ass up / Call me big daddy won't you back that ass up / Girl who is you playing with, back that ass up..." πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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27311 | 440 | 3 days ago
I see y'all Bruh. Still using a regular old toothbrush. Brushing too hard. Tearing up ya gums. Not hitting hard to reach parts of your mouth and cleansing them effectively. Allow me to upgrade u. This year, make a investment in minty breath and shiny teeth: go buy u a electric toothbrush. This one is a life changer. Now look. I used to front on the electric. I used to think that was hella unnecessary and uncalled for. So I owned one but never used it. I had my trusty Reach toothbrush - why change? Simple. Because my hygienist told me to. She said Type A people brush too hard and it makes they gums recede. Apparently if u keep doing that pretty soon the gums wear away and all u got left is some big ass chiclet lookin ass teef looking like a hygienic skeleton - I can't go out like that. So I finally started using electric. The beauty of the electric is that it's like I'm immediately transported to a dental office for a cleaning with a sexy ass south side Irish hygienist named Melissa whose natural hair color is red but she dye it blond and while she polishing my teeth with her perfect Tetas saluting me thru the V in her rainbow colored dental office scrubs I can almost hear her making small talk to Kasia, the Polish dental assistant, talmbout (thick south side Irish Chicago accent) "KASIA, PATRICK - AGAIN - SAID HE FELL ASLEEP AT TODD'S HOUSE LAST NIGHT AFTER DRINKING. OKAY PATRICK. LIAR. ALSO I CAUGHT HIM DECLINING A FACETIME FROM SOMEONE NAMED "John". Just "John". OKAY YOU FACETIME YOUR BUDDIES NOW OR WHAT PATRICK." Kasia (thick Polish accent): "why you don't come Polish bars on Archer Street with me, my boyfriend Dawid is having friends nice car Porsche and Ferarri we go fast on highway after we drinking πŸ˜€." Melissa: "WELL I JUST MIGHT KASIA WE'LL SEE..." (Side note: Melissa and Kasia stop it with those bums, let's have a threesome πŸ€—πŸ˜‚). Now then. Treat yo MF self. Make every morning a professional cleaning morning. Hit that electric and feel your teeth sparkle like diamonds. Ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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29677 | 284 | 3 days ago
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36125 | 700 | 4 days ago
Either that or doggo is reminiscing on how much love, time, and energy was wasted on an ex that didn't deserve it #LeStruggle πŸ€—πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ (@dizzle_saint_james πŸ‘ˆ)
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53196 | 329 | 4 days ago
(@barrysbanterbus) If I'm walking in my backyard and see a satanic two headed dog creature sticking up from under the earth imma piss my pants immeejally. Like I'm sure these pups are adorable AF I'm just saying this particular angle is hella scary πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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29765 | 191 | 4 days ago
U know what I love Bruh? More than anything? When I open snap and I'm looking in my messages and I see a pretty girl and it say "loading" with the lil spinner next to her name. Whatchoe fine ass "loading" today baby girl? Did u just hit a tanning bed and now it's "loading" a snap of them tetas under them cancerous UV rays? Or is it your lil puppy and your lil parrot playing together? Or is it the city skyline? Or maybe u sitting at the edge of your bed bucky ass nekky saying "good morning zaddy πŸ™‚" directly into the camera? The best snappers create an element of intrigue. U never know. It might be boobalinos and it might be fur babies. It might be her rapping every single word to a Kendrick verse. <-- IF U CAN RAP EVERY WORD TO A KENDRICK VERSE LET'S HAVE CHIRREN. IF U GOTTA SLAP A PUSSY ASS N***A MAMA, MAKE IT LOOK SEXY. YA GET ME! BLESS UP πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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32800 | 428 | 4 days ago
Now my lil homegirl text me and I gotta say I've never seen this before but check this out: "smash, a guy has a crush on me but my dad just told me he's my third cousin (which is actually somewhat common in the Albanian community.) How do I cousin-zone him?" Well first things first baby girl u gotta decide if being third cousins is too much relating to make tings uncomfortable. For instance President Franklin D. Roosevelt's wife Eleanor was his distant cousin. So kissing cousins ain't just a Albanian ting baby girl this phenomenon hath even touched the White House. Now then, pro's of marrying a third cousin: (1) y'all understand each other's culture. He ain't gon think Albanian food is weird. (2) You already know the family. If he out of pocket your papa can just choke him out and it's like he choking out a nephew - no big deal. Alright now the cons: kids of cousins never look exactly right. They might be cute AF but it's always something a lil off. "Why that baby got such a strong unibrow? Oh his parents' related? Ok that explains it." Also family illnesses could be compounded if y'all related. That's why a lot of my Jewish homies if they ashkenazi Jewish and they marry a girl who is too, they gotta do genetic testing for the benefit of the babies. If u marry someone distant y'all ain't gotta do that. Mixed chirren are the cutest. So with that said if u uneasy about it just ping ol boy like "aye Aleksander you cool AF but we're cousins I'm really sorry but we could still be friends." U feel me? Blame it on the gene pool. He be aight πŸ™Œ. UPDATE: the same homegirl just text me this morning: "I received an unsolicited dick print pic from my third cousin that I have yet to cousin-zone. (It's huge.) I can't unsee it 😫." Well now baby girl new evidence has been introduced to the court record u feel me? Yes it's not ideal that y'all related. But if Aleksander the Great is packing nine inches with the girth of a Pepsi can baby girl YALL AINT THAT RELATED -- IF WE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM KENDALL JENNER IT'S THAT A PEPSI CAN WILL SOLVE ALL THE WORLD'S ILLS - GO HEAD GETCHOE REFRESHMENT BABY GIRL NOBODY JUDGING - NINE INCHES IS NINE INCHES FAM #GoodLuck πŸ˜«πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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41901 | 791 | 5 days ago
I need to address some of the comments from my last post because I'm a little sad now. FUCK a negative stereotype about black and brown people (or any people). If I make a caption about a Latino couple with multiple kids getting married at city hall and then going to Cheesecake Factory that's because I seen that shit! With my own eyes lol! Bravo! I'm happy AF for that family! I'm always intending to create humor without denigrating others but sometimes inadvertently it happens (like that one caption about the Filipino hotel maid or the other one about strippers.) I EXPECT y'all to call me out on that but I want to clarify that when I wil' out in these captions it's from a place of love for all people MOST IMPORTANTLY MEXICANS BECAUSE MEXICO IS MY FAVORITE COUNTRY IN THE WORLD AND MEXICAN FOOD IS MY FAVORITE TYPE OF FOOD (after sushi πŸ€—). I go to Mexico and ride the bus and hang with regular Mexicans Bruh I'm comfortable anywhere in Mexico I feel like it's my home away from home. I've never met more beautiful people. Please forgive me if I ever implied otherwise. Mexicans, Mexican Americans and most importantly Mexican Americans right here in Chicago especially my old hood Pilsen which I love dearly and still come back to whenever I can. Aight? Bless up 😍❀️
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46194 | 715 | 6 days ago
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47033 | 860 | 6 days ago
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35396 | 462 | 1 week ago
Now look Bruh a lot of young whippersnappers coming out of school are constantly emailing me or sending me LinkedIn messages like "hey can we meet for coffee", "or lunch", "or anything" and talk about careers. I'm always happy to do this. It's nothing to for me to meet up at Umbria for an espresso or Hannah's Bretzel on LaSalle for a salmon on bretzel sannich and treat a young'n while we discuss the game but when u trying to distinguish yourself, DISTINGUISH YOURSELF πŸ˜€. Might I suggest to u new graduates emailing someone and saying: "Hello, I'd love to meet up and pick your brain on where you work and how you like it, and to get the benefit of any career advice you could provide. I could come to your office Tuesday afternoon if that's convenient and bring Firecakes donuts and espressos. I find that the espresso does a good job of staving off the food coma from the donut! And, needless to say, if you're too busy, no worries! Best regards, [name]." U know what u just did baby girl? U just moved to the top of the list. For a small monetary investment, u just turned what might feel like an OBLIGATION for the person into a TREAT. Just a lil career advice for u kids tryina get it this summer! DM is open for career advice but please give me time to reply and bear in mind I'm not a career counselor πŸ˜‚. The way I got to where I'm at is "back to back all nighters until I couldn't see straight"...Others probably have better to ways to advance πŸ˜‚. All I can offer is my two cents. May u all excel at whatever field you're in! More success more life more financial security more adopted puppers more sex more spiritual life ya get me! Bless up! ❀️
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45175 | 660 | 1 week ago
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